“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
Anias Nin (GR*)
“The Door is Open”
I parked my black BMW in a hidden spot in this little parking lot behind the bank, the small building I was looking for was unmarked with any character except the address. Sitting in my car taking every last minute before the 7pm appointment I debated if what I had done was really necessary, was weak or was just an overreaction. I had driven through this little town of Hockessin Delaware hundreds of times on my way to work and never would have anticipated that phone number that I found would lead me to a place like this just miles from home.
The clock in the car finally clicked to 7:01 pm, safely on time and slightly late. I knew it was time to walk in. I knocked on the windowless door on this brick dimly lit building, heard a voice inside gravelly mummer “the door is open”.
When I opened the door, I had no idea what I would see. When I was sitting in the car I had wondered would it be modern, or spacious, or old, or comfortable, or safe, or private? I also wondered if any of my neighbors would see me parked by this building and how would I ever answer the questions that would come from them if they did. What story would I tell them, how could I make myself out to be seen as strong, capable or even worthy if I did have to tell them.
As the door opened I could quickly see there were no divider walls and was no privacy. The door led into a simple room that occupied a very small section of the building. I saw I had nowhere to hide, only one place to sit and have at that space had no sense of privacy or barrier. I was feeling very vulnerable and insecure. I know others had done this before, but I had not.
To my left, I saw her. Calmly sitting like she had done this time and time again, she said nothing really just glanced up at me. She knew I had likely I had not had this kind of experience before, this kind of attention, this kind of vulnerability. What had felt like 5 minutes of silence and observations was really just long seconds of uncomfortably detailed observation to one another.
When I imagined this time and situation the week before when she and I connected over text I wasn’t sure what I’d encounter. But in my wildest imagination she was not what I assumed I would ever decide to spend months of my life with one week at a time.
I didn’t know if I should approach her, should I pay her in advance, should I engage her. I turned around and glanced at the door both because I felt like turning around and leaving and because the door clanged loudly as it shut like I was soon to be in a situation I could not get out of.
Slowly she arose from sitting, walked over to me as I stood just in front of the only furniture in the room that appeared to be for sitting. She raised her eyes directly to me, smiled and reached out for my hand. Suddenly I felt a sense of comfort, of warmth of something I would always remember in my life.
She said, “David, it’s really nice to meet you finally. I’m here for you and only you for the next hour and a half. I’m probably not what you expected, but I’ve been counseling for over 50 years and I look forward to these moments with you.”
I said abruptly, “I’m stronger than I appear to be and I’m pretty sure I only need a session or two to talk this through”. She smiled sat back into her chair and said, “I believe you are and I can’t wait to learn about you.” From that moment on time flew by.
It was the first time as an adult I had made the call for real professional help. I was a father of two middle age children, a big corporate role and was in the middle of struggling with stress about how to satisfy everyone in my life including me. And trust me when I say it seemed like the only ones happy were the neighbors.
It was just weeks early I had decided to call the 1-800 number on our company website for life help. That same number I had offered others in need, but this time it was me. They responded with a few options. One very close to home. I called her and we began an exchange and text exchange that led me to this very night.
My Wednesday nights for the next 3 months would lead to the best communication and anxiety coaching I would ever have and my 89-year-old counselor would become the best guide I would ever meet along that journey.
I was long overdue to take the steps I needed to learn and move forward. Steps we should all take with routine and with trust that we can find support, solutions and security in our times of great stress.
Casper & Co. 